Here we go

OK, ok ok. Here's how this works. Whoever you are, I'm probably better than your mother. Seriously, let me adopt you. We could have picnics and go swimming and I could hold your forehead when you get sick and have to throw up. I'd buy you candy all the time, not only on Saturdays, and a new toy each Monday. And because we'll get so many friends from all over the world we'll speak and write to each other in English. That is until we develop other forms of communication. These forms of communication cannot be sexual because I'll be your mother, remember.

We will in time get very fat (from all the candy). That is why I'll buy us "Medline Striders", like the one in the picture. On those we'll attach balloons so they'll look cool and drive around supermarkets creating mischief. Most evenings I'll let you stay up and watch TV. This is because of my belief that television will make you smarter than any teacher ever could (except for me).

Well, all in all, you'll have a great time being my kid. So think about it.